I laid there in utter disbelief while my husband explained this new realization that polygamy (polygyny specifically) was not a sin. He- to his credit- had spent several months prior to our conversation working through the whole topic to verify the validity of it before broaching the topic with me. He didn’t want to lead me down a path that wasn’t based on truth, which in hindsight, I appreciate. I was flooded with information- all of which clearly made sense to him. I, however, was hit with a freight train of emotions and his words were coming and going, but I couldn’t hear anything he was saying. As he was explaining the things he researched, I could only hear my own thoughts racing. “Am I a bad wife? Does he love me? Is he wanting to leave me? Am I not good enough? I thought he loved me! This is my fault. Had I been a better lover... maybe more adventurous, would he still want this? Is he wanting to replace me with a younger, better model? Is our marriage over?”
I wept.
From that moment and the years following this specific discussion, there has been a common theme where I believed my flaws were the main cause for his desire to marry someone else. It is so easy to bring that mindset center stage and let it bring me spiraling down into despair. Women are comparers by nature- we tend to look at other women and try to evaluate our own value based off of her. Is she skinner? Prettier? Kinder? Does she have a better personality? Better at keeping the house? Cooks better? Does she grab his attention more? It goes on and on- it’s exhausting. It’s an endless cycle of self-doubt, and it ultimately brings self-hate.
There is a distinct marker in my life of who I was before plural marriage was brought up and who I became after. I lost my confidence, I lost my hope, I lost myself. Not understanding him, and honestly, not truly believing that he still loved me, I put myself in a prison of self-destruction.
I did not understand how men think. Men do not think the way we as women do. They can look at the beautiful assets in one woman and see the other -and different- beautiful assets in another woman without comparing one to the other. Men like variety, different flavors, so to speak. One woman doesn’t make another look bad. One isn’t more valuable than the next. It is not just the physical characteristics he is looking at, either. Women can be completely different and he can see how they complete the whole picture- together.
Over the years, I have been slowly unchaining the shackles I put on myself. I’m still learning to not see the areas I may be lacking, only as flaws, but instead to hope that my future co-wife might be more equipped in those areas to complete and round out the needs that have yet to be fulfilled in my husband’s home.
My husband has kindly voiced over and over that he sees value in the assets I have, loves who I am and is happy that he married me. He has made it clear that he is not looking to replace me, and it wouldn't be plural marriage without me along side him, also. He does love me, and he did choose to marry me when he thought he could only have one wife, after all!
So, why is it that, despite only loving affirmation from my husband, have I willingly let my heart be entangled by chains of inadequacy, failure and brokenness? Well, because I’m selfish; I’m a sinner. I loved being his only. I valued being his favorite person. I enjoyed not feeling like I had to compare myself to another - in fear that I might actually have to grow. Things have changed in our marriage and I understand why they did. Through the understanding of plural marriage, God has brought my shortcomings to light. Through my husband’s continued love for me - despite the failures and the flaws I see in myself - it has been a sweet picture of God’s unfailing and unconditional love.
God knew exactly what I needed to face to reveal a deeper understanding of the ugliness in my heart and showcase the beauty of His love. In hindsight, this is still just scratching the surface of the layers in my black heart. Almost child's play in regard to the things yet to be unraveled.