I was sitting in a room surrounded by people I loved. My husband came in, but I knew that he would not be there long. I only had a short amount of time left with him before he was gone, forever. I felt so helpless. So lost. I tried to beg him not to leave because I wouldn’t know what to do without him. I could not go on without him in my life. Who would lead me and protect me? My heart was broken- he was the love of my life. Saying goodbye was simply impossible. I wanted to freeze those last few moments with him and hold him in the tightest embrace before he was forever gone. I woke up from my dream, realizing he was still alive and sleeping next to me- suddenly nothing else mattered.
Life is just a vapor in the wind. It can be a long and beautiful life or end way too soon. So often I take life for granted. I get in the grind of daily tasks and never fathom that life can end in a single heartbeat. One moment can change forever.
I am guilty of letting the pain of plural marriage steal so many precious moments and memories from my life with my husband, over the years. It has consumed my thoughts, brought grey hairs to my head and brought out numerous irrational responses. All from the fear of the unknown. Fear that I will be forgotten. I have failed to focus on the fact that I am not guaranteed tomorrow, neither is my husband.
Am I really going to mourn the “what if” when I may not even make it through today’s “what is!?”
Over the last decade, I have observed that it seems each individual will face something in their life that will cause them to mourn the deepest pain that is tailored to their own heart. God will allow it to grow them. That event or situation may look different for each person, however, the mourning is the same. We mourn the loss of what was to be.
I had to face the death of the marriage I thought I had. Tucked away in a box contains love notes reminding me of the times he said I was to be “the only one” he would love. The plans of growing old together, just the two of us, are no longer. In the beginning, understanding his desire for plural, changed my entire outlook on life. There have been numerous times I hoped we could go back to the time “before plural.” I’ve looked at other married, monogamous couples, wishing I never had to be reminded that was the past us. Never questioning if he was falling in love with the gal he was texting or met and talked to at the grocery store. Realizing, he will never again be monogamously minded has become my new reality. When We Became Three.
A friend of mine recently lost her baby after delivery and she walked out of the hospital with a small box of belongings. In that moment, all of the future plans, hopes and dreams were diminished to belongings in a simple box. The dreams of the future forever changed. What she imagined the future would look like will always live in the confines of her mind. As time passes, she sees babies at the different stages her child should be at and dreams of her baby while she longs to step back in time to be able to hold her baby again.
Others have had to endure years of toil and pain from court filings and endless paperwork from heart wrenching divorces and custody battles. Those court documents long live in the confines of a box. The pain is re-sparked when the lid is opened and paperwork is thumbed through. The loss of what should have been- memories and years lost.
A simple box with the contents of our hearts. We mourn the life we saw, the hopes we had for the future and the memories of the past. We see others continuing in life as “normal,” while we look on and see the things we are now missing and how our life has changed. We can’t help but be a bit envious that they have the one thing we longed to keep in our lives. We have to learn to accept the deep growing pains we face as God works in our lives despite our hesitation and questioning, “Why me?”
Nonetheless, God is good and He is working in the depths of our shattered hearts. We learn to see beauty again, eventually.
Ultimately, we will realize, we too, will eventually die end up in a simple box. Life is short. Don’t forget to look beyond the pain of the moment - future hope still exists - despite lacking the thing we desired to keep most of all. Hug those dear to you and live in today's what is.