I’m a planner by nature. It has always given me joy to look ahead and plan things out. I like to think through situations- what could be, what I hope for, and how I prefer things not to be. When the idea of plural marriage came to light, it threw all of the things I had planned and hoped for in our future out the window. The vision I had of what our life would look like was gone. The future began feeling hopeless and dark. I no longer had dreams and felt as though the life we had was gone forever.
I decided I needed to begin to refocus my expectations. I then began planning all the details for our new future. I have realized I can tend to have a bit of an overly obsessive personality, and that certainly came out full swing over the next few years. I fixate on something, and it becomes my priority. At times, it can be a good thing, but in this instance, it was not. I jumped in with both feet and wanted to just start swimming. But sinking is what I began to do.
You see, years ago when I decided to embrace (kind of saying that tongue in cheek) plural marriage- really, only because I knew that it wasn’t going to go away- I began to plan how it would go. I wanted to be involved in all the aspects. Finding her, getting to know her, becoming best friends with her, being in all the conversations, involved in all the details. I wanted to be a part of it. Later, I discovered it was out of fear. Fear that if I wasn’t involved, I would be left out and forgotten. The un-needed, un-wanted, un-loved wife. I also felt that if I wasn't involved in the helping of planning things, I would be emotionally sideswept and not prepared for the things that were changing.
When in a drowning situation, the person being rescued can often, in desperation, begin to panic and in return bring the rescuer, who was not in danger, into danger. By inserting myself and all my panic into relationships, I was unintentionally drowning everyone around me, also. Panic and fear do not aid in building relationships or bring clarity to situations any sooner. Though I may have seen things that were concerns in some of the relationships, those things weren’t up to me to panic over. It was not my relationship to worry about.
I have had to be confronted through hard conversations. My husband has had to remind me of my role; I have had to be put back in my place. Not because I am less valuable to him, or because he doesn’t love me, but because he does love me and I need to grow in understanding that the God of the Universe gave me the role as a wife, not my husband’s keeper.
It has taken time to truly understand that my husband's relationship with his new wife will be top priority and my relationship with her is secondary. Yes, she and I are to get along and work together for the goal of the family, but it is his marriages. I had understood this logically, but had somehow justified the importance of my input because I figured she and I would be spending more time together at home than he and her anyway, right? No. I was incorrect. I allowed my emotions to override truth and I had believed I had a different role than the one God had given me.
It is up to him who he picks to join his family. Likewise, it is up to him who he doesn’t pick. It is not dependent on the friendship she and I have - or the friendship she and I don’t have.
Plural marriage brings about a number of growing pains. I have watched my marriage change from how things were done in the past. I recognize that I am no longer involved in every aspect of his life like I was previously when he was monogamously minded. I am not in all of the discussions regarding his decisions or in the "inner circle" of his thoughts, anymore. Sure, he values my thoughts, but some things are not up for discussion. For years, it felt as though he was hiding things from me by not being willing to discuss everything as we use to. Now, as time has passed, I understand that this is not a rejection of me, but a protection over me. He does things that he thinks is for the best, even if I may not always see it that way or understand his actions. But I need to trust he is still guarding my heart. I need to trust him without allowing myself to drown our relationship in the process.
It has been hard to let go of my desire to step in and be involved in aspects of his new relationships. It's hard for me to just be at peace with whatever he decides he wants to do. It is much easier to justify my fears by pointing out that it effects my life, as well. But at the same time, I am continually reminded to trust him- yep, I go back to remember my “trust fall.” He is the man happily I gave my life to, and I need to focus on the relationship he and I have, not what he is doing with someone else. (Easier said than done!)
I, at times, still do not know how to balance where I need to be and not be involved. Or how to know where I belong when it comes to being the first wife while he is growing a relationship with someone, while I grow my relationship with her, too. I don’t always do it well. It’s still messy. Ultimately, God and my husband are still teaching me how to balance and work on my all-or-nothing-slightly-obsessive personality. I am discovering how to love better by being gracious with my husband, any potential co-wives and myself.
All in all, I am still learning to go with the flow, plan less, be at peace with the moment-to-moment and how to float - not sink - through the waves of plural.