As I continued to learn and grow, I understood my husband's desire (to some extent) and knew more of his heart in regard to his longing to love another woman. I, however, knew that I held tightly on to our wedding vows and the words that were spoken to me. I had read about other women who experienced the same shock of a husband seeking plural marriage, yet they knew that they should release their husband from those vows that were spoken in ignorance. They expressed how a wife should not hold that over her husband’s head.
I desperately wanted to hold on to those vows and remind him of the things he had promised me when I became his wife. He vowed to love and cherish me... and to forsake all others. I somehow thought that if I could hold him hostage to his words, I could control what our future looked like. I didn’t want to let go of the future I had hoped for- he and I- just the two of us. I had never imagined that I would be facing the idea of it being he, me... and she. When we became three.
Our original wedding day became a sore reminder of the things that were changing. The love we had (I preceived) was no longer; the promises he said were not to remain, and (me, still misunderstanding his heart) thinking I wasn't enough for him. I had a hard time looking at wedding pictures and there were many times I almost took them down off the walls. Our video from our wedding day was painful to watch and I always ended up sobbing through it- if I could even bring myself to watch it. The years prior to discovering plural marriage felt tainted and no longer brought me joy but instead sadness.
Though my heart was screaming to never let him go, I knew deep down that I couldn’t hold him to the words he spoke in ignorance. I knew, if my husband had been taught the truth going into our marriage, he would have done things and said things differently. He has always been a man that thinks deeply and chooses his words wisely. I began to struggle with knowing I potentially would have been the cause of him being disobedient to what God had placed on his heart. Internally, I began to ponder if he would avoid taking the responsibility that God was placing before him to care for a woman that needed his leadership, to appease me and my emotions. I knew deep down that I couldn’t live with the fact that I could be the reason he would be disobedient to God... and feared he would resent me. Ultimately, I knew that he was a strong man that would be led by God through the tough stuff no matter what, and he would obey God over any emotions I had. It was not my place to hold him hostage and I was being disobedient in the role God had given me as a wife. I needed to take the step that I dreaded most, and trust God through it. I wrestled with it for days before I had the courage to voice the words.
I stood in our kitchen with tears streaming down my face. I verbally released my husband of his vows. He no longer had to abide by the vow he made to me to forsake all others. He was free to pursue plural marriage.
There was an emptiness in me. I had always valued the promises made to me on the most joyous day of my life. Once I released him, I then struggled with not knowing what marriage meant, what promises are acceptable to make and what value I held in his heart. In a sense, it felt like a divorce. It was a divorce- from the cultural conditioning that brought me a false sense of security. I had to come to the realization that the words spoken were not the things that held us together that day- sure they were sweet. It wasn’t that piece of paper that stated we were married. It wasn’t the pastor saying, “now vested in me by the state of...” It wasn’t if he never sought the love of another woman. It was God that joined us. It was the daily and sometimes minute-by-minute choices that we continually make, to stay together, that binds us as one. Whether the records burn or disappear, we remain married. My security is not in the paper or in the state. If marriage was solely because of the vows spoken, divorce wouldn’t exist. Every couple vows to love until death, and unfortunately, most couples “fall out of love,” long before they die.
My husband, understanding I no longer felt we had marriage vows, eventually gave me the beautiful gift of new spoken words of love towards me. On our next anniversary, he renewed the things I felt I had lost, with fresh, God honoring promises; ones made with understanding and in accordance with our proper roles as man and woman. The things I lost from our wedding day, were made new and more beautiful. I now can look back to our wedding day with joy and sweet memories; all while laughing at our young ignorance. But it took a long time and many tears to get there.