Fast forward to last year. This is the layer in my journey that started this blog series. Honestly, the first copy of this entry was ugly and bitter and has since been revised a few times. As I continued to write, God softened my tattered heart, like He always does, refined my thoughts and brought beauty and light to the darkness. This entry revealed one more painful layer to bring to light and sparked my memory of all the previous layers I had already processed. So, with that being said, here we go.
The concept of plural marriage got easier, after some time. I could think about it without crying or that turning sensation deep in my stomach. I was able to work through some of the emotions that had come from it and pinpoint where they had came from. However, nothing prepared me for when hypothetical became reality while I watched my husband's dating relationships. I, shamefully, admit to being flooded with emotions that, at times, poured through sobs without control. Over the last several years, there have been different ladies my husband spent time getting to know. I have faced many waves of emotions and had to learn acceptance through each of the new steps in those relationships.
Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that I would have to share my husband when I said, “I do.” Sharing your husband doesn’t come easily when your whole upbringing teaches otherwise. Our society touts the notion that a woman deserves the man to dote over her. She deserves to hold his attention alone. Even pastors joke that a wife is the boss... you know, "Happy wife, happy life." The world screams, "A man that wants more women to love are cheaters, or he is only in it for sexual pleasure." I never thought I had bought into feminist lies, until plural marriage came up. Then, I could see it deeply rooted in my heart, but I didn't want to believe I was the one that was wrong.
I had come to a place of understanding, for the most part. My husband loved me, wanted me and still needed me (yes, you have read that a few times already. It became my anthem when I needed to refocus before I jumped on the poly-train headed toward misery.) Despite logically knowing that plural marriage was biblical and acceptable, I still struggled when my husband talked with single women. Why did it feel so slimy and wrong? I would get a knot in my stomach; my heart would race, and I felt queasy. I understood his intentions and motives, but I realized I didn’t believe hers. I felt like she was going to be- actually I really viewed her as- “the other woman.” You know, the lady that sneaks in and wants to steal the man. The one that wants to take center stage and push you aside while she grabs all of those special moments with him while you are left alone. The one that seduces the man and brings ruin to his family.
It really came down to this- I was afraid.
I was afraid she would be as selfish as I wished I could have been. I was afraid she didn’t want to share with me, as much as I didn’t want to share with her.
Yes, it was my selfishness that sparked my distrust and low view of some of these other gals. I knew that I didn't have a choice in sharing or not, because I needed to follow my husband's leading within his household... but she did have a choice. I could not comprehend why another woman would actually want to put herself in a position to come in as a subsequent wife without wanting to feel accomplished for stealing the heart of a married man. I felt gipped that all of the hard work he and I put in throughout the years while we had been married, she could come in and reap the benefits of our growth without the work. I felt she must be lazy.
She wouldn’t have to know what it was like to balance all the responsibilities alone. She wouldn’t have to deal with the demands of lots of kids while having a newborn, all while trying to manage the household, meal prep and pleasing a husband, alone. She lived her wild life then decided it was time to settle down. She could come in, take the lion’s share of his attention and pleasure, while enjoying half of the responsibilities of marriage. She would not have to worry about balancing it all, because I would already be there to help. I realized I had placed caveats on who I believed was worthy of my husband's love. And of course, I didn't consider the things she faced prior to looking for plural.
Yes, I know my view was very pessimistic. Glass way less than half-empty. Down-right sad. It was this realization, last year in the midst of my husband's relationship at the time, I realized how dark and ugly my heart really was. And once again, God had revealed a deeper part of my heart that I have not previously wanted to face. Each layer deeper I go, the more I see that God is refining my heart, making me a better person. It’s painful and beautiful, at the same time.
Could a lady truly desire to come into an already married household and want to add to that without causing destruction? Yes, I know so. I've seen other families be blessed by wonderful women as additional wives. They have become assets to their families and have made the family better with their presence. I've met lovely ladies who have absolutely beautiful hearts in their desire for plural marriage, as subsequent wives. And, I have seen first wives act with grace and welcome their co-wives with open loving arms.
I need not to worry and project the actions from a few of the bad apples we have encountered to other ladies we meet in the future. I need to remember to just trust God, trust my husband, and work on my own heart. I choose to believe the woman coming into our lives will compliment what has been established while bringing her own specialness and light. I pray that God brings the woman that will aid me in loving and caring for my husband. As a dear friend shared with me, if she does anything at all, to love and care for the family, she will be a help and a blessing to me- and more importantly to my husband and his household.
How might I be a blessing to her?!