Through the years, God has worked deeply in my heart. He has revealed to me the dirt I hid from and has shown me the unhealthy ways I typically avoid “feeling.” I have stuffed my emotions down instead of facing them head on. It has always been a whole lot easier to avoid the painful things that I need to fix, while ignoring that they exist. However, it tends to come exploding out of my heart at some point- doing more damage than had I just worked through it to begin with.
Years ago, before the topic of plural marriage came to light, I had been working out in an area I wanted to start a garden. I was down on my knees digging in the dirt. The area I wanted to place my garden was full of weeds. As I began to tug and pull on the weeds, I noticed how some came out easily without much effort, while others were deeply rooted. The easy ones came out and I was left to really muscle out the other ones. In the middle of the weeds, there were several beautiful flowers. I was left debating, should I leave the pretty flowers? Suddenly, I realized, the flowers were not part of the full picture I had in mind for that area. Though they brought me joy, they were not there for the purpose I had intended. I have been reminded many times of that moment in the garden over the years in the midst of some of the painful things God was teaching me.
My heart is full of weeds. God has had to pull out the weeds that have filled the space He has intended for my growth. The deep-rooted weeds take more effort to free and dispose of. They are more painful and leave a bigger hole. I have let the cultural influences fill my heart over God’s truth about marriage, gender roles, and my worth. Areas that I felt were beautiful blooming flowers, God has continued to tear down my ego and reminded me He is working anew in my life. I am being developed, refined and remolded in the version He has intended for me. The garden space in my heart I had planned out, well, God has a different plan. In the end, God’s plan is bigger and better than mine. My garden will be filled with God’s beauty- not my weeds.
The annoying thing about weeds - you can pull them all, then before you know it, when you aren't paying attention, a whole new set springs forth. You are left on your knees pulling the new batch you didn't know were buried beneath the surface. Such is the same in our hearts.
I have found that areas I had thought I had worked through, figured out and accepted about plural marriage, in the past, I had let laziness take over and selfishness take root, again. Before I know it, I was left re-working areas of my heart again... and again. At times, I have felt defeated as I thought I was back at square one. It is discouraging to be in an emotional spot over something that I thought I had figured out. But in hindsight, I have had growth, I have a deeper understanding; the soil of my heart is looser, and those roots aren't as deeply rooted.
Due to the discovering of plural marriage, I knew that I had a lot of work I needed to do in my heart, long before someone joined our family. The areas in my heart that were dark and ugly needed my attention and God's help in bringing them to light. I knew that I could not just ignore my emotions with plural but had to face them before I let it ruin my marriage or any relationship my husband had with ladies in the future. I made a conscious effort, even in my hardest emotional days, to do my best to never project those feelings on to any of the women my husband had been talking with. Though some women knew I struggled with things, I didn’t voice the true ugliness I was dealing with. I knew that the issues were mine alone and I needed to get knee deep in the mud of my heart, with God, to figure out the root cause of my issues. It is not easy to point a magnifying glass back at your own heart.
I guess, all of that to say, do not be discouraged in this journey. God is doing deep things. It is a lot of hard work and even when you don't see the blossoms - keep watering, keep pulling weeds and tending the garden of your heart- before you know it, the flowers will bloom, and the growth you see will be magnificent.