Layer Fourteen - Interwoven

The mind of a woman - it is complex, it is unique, and it can be dangerous. It is a mystery even to me.

I have spent far too many days over the last several years focused on how life was going to change in our home once plural became a conversation. I have allowed plural to intermingle into areas it had no business being and areas it had nothing to do with. Plural wasn’t something I could tuck away into a box and only think of it at appropriate times. When it had popped its head up in my life, it showed up in everything. 

I distinctly remember sitting in my office at my old job wanting to cry when I noticed on the phone it was there, too. - POLYCOM - was written boldly across the top of the receiver. Poly- I couldn’t get away from it. Tears flooded my eyes and defeat set deep in my heart; I sat there wondering what conversations my husband was possibly having with other women while I was out of the house. Even when he wasn’t talking to anyone, my mind would still run away with me, pondering all the what ifs. 

Men have this amazing ability to sort topics in their brain into different boxes. The work box, the hobby box, the wife box and so forth. And the box I am most fascinated by is the nothing box. Oh, how I wish I had a nothing box. Men can move from one box to the other and once they open a new box, they close the lid to the previous box. When they are in the nothing box, they can think about absolutely nothing... how is that even possible?!

Us ladies, on the other hand, our brains are like a big bowl of spaghetti noodles. Everything is interconnected, tied in knots, interwoven and in a big ol’ messy lump of gooie mess. You bring up a topic, I somehow can relate that to some obscure, unrelated topic and tie it together with some strong emotion from years prior. Maybe it’s a skill... Maybe it’s a downfall. 

I know the ability to have many things going on at the same time, in the brain of a woman, allows us to get the tasks we need to get done at home. Managing the kids, running the home, remembering important dates/tasks/bills, and all the other millions of things that need to be taken care of. They are all constantly running in the back of my mind... along with plural. But wouldn’t it be who of Satan to use those strengths against us, as well. To capture our thoughts, to bring doubt in our hearts, and to cause us to spiral into the abyss of despair while we lose focus on our true task at hand- being a helpmeet. 

I know that I am not the best wife, mother, housekeeper, or just plain human when I have let stress from worrying about plural fill my mind and heart. There is a weight that takes over that should not be there. A lot of times it is in the late hours when it's quiet in the house, and everyone is asleep when the ramblings of my mind are the loudest. I have spent many hours late into the night thinking and being consumed with all the different aspects of plurals what ifs. Many of which have never happened or have a high probability of never happening- nonetheless- I have let myself wander into the land of the scariest hypothetical situations. Most of the time my husband has been able to somberly enter into his nothing box, close the lid and fall into a deep peaceful sleep. Meanwhile, my spaghetti brain is tracing from one terrifying noodle that connects to another and hours later after coming up with the most horrible plural dynamic I can dream of, I finally drift to sleep. 

Actually, the majority of this blog has been written in those late night/early morning hours while processing different fearful aspects of plural and fighting to learn how to view things from a new perspective- one not based out of fear but on truth, hope and love.

I continue to learn that there are appropriate ways of processing the changes that happen due to plural, and there are certainly not appropriate ways to handle it, as well. Taking the difficult times, breaking down modern thinking, I have turned it into striving to grow, continuing to learn and praying to become a better wife. I do not want to focus on negative thoughts, be a bitter woman or become a wife my husband doesn’t want to be around.

I remind myself to take each thought captive, bring glory to God and make my husband proud. 

Those negative spaghetti strands do not belong here any longer - I have to continuously grab a hold of them, trace them back to where I fell in love, focus on the sweet memories I have shared with my husband over the years, and make a constant choice to work on being the good wife I want to be. It all starts in my mind.

Though plural may still be in the midst of our conversations, in the background of my thoughts and a possibility in the future, it has slowly become less consuming in my own mind. Over time, I have been able to tame the plural monster I imagined, and in return I have been able to better resume the tasks I have been given- to be a wife, mother, and friend.

She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life. - Proverbs 31:12