During my husband’s study into plural marriage, he was also looking into biblical gender roles and his role as a husband, father, and leader. He began to step up and lead our family in a way he had never done before. I soon found my focus change from my flaws, and I started to point my magnifying glass on him. He has always been a wonderful husband, but now, he was even better. Instead of rejoicing in that blessing, I began to resent the changes he was making. I was angry that the love he was displaying towards me and changes he was making in his life did not occur earlier in our seven years of marriage. Why did it take him wanting to get another wife for him to want to be a better husband? Was it only in motivation to snag someone new? Was it because I wasn’t worth the changes prior?
Why was he doing this to me? If he really loved me, why is he intentionally hurting me while acting like he loved me?
The reality was that God was working in his life to make him a better man in His timing, not mine. And... this wasn’t only about me. But that’s something that has taken a long time to learn.
In the meantime, I went through all of the OWNSS emotions (Only Wife Needs Sympathy Syndrome- yes, I made that name up.) I felt inadequate wondering why I wasn’t enough for him. I felt undesired because he wanted someone else. I was betrayed because he wanted to break our vows to marry someone besides me. I was hopeless due to the fact all of my dreams of the future were gone. I felt old, even though I was only 28 years old at the time. I feared I was broken. I was swallowed in fear of who would be joining the family and what the new normal would be like. I - I - I. I became consumed with this new world of what I thought I was lacking, and I wanted sympathy. I resonated deeply with Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh.
Those first months were some of the darkest days I have ever experienced. I had a weight that sat heavy on my heart all day and all night long. I wanted to curl up to hide and hope that this desire of his would leave. I was thrown into depression like I had never experienced. I laid on the floor of our room bawling while I desperately cried out to God to take this desire from him and tried to pray the new “cult” away. I wept as I tried to understand how he could possibly want to love two (or more) women- or even how he could do it well. I no longer understood what love was. Even through the sobs and my shattered heart, I still prayed that if this wasn’t “sin” that God would change my heart and give me strength to carry on.
Despite wanting to feel justified in the “I’m right, he’s wrong” mentality, I never shared anything that was going on in our marriage with family or friends. I knew that it was something we needed to figure out and work through together with God. I never wanted to risk throwing him under the bus and having others look down on him or ruining his reputation if he was indeed justified in his desires and my feelings were wrong. In hindsight, I am so thankful that I never rallied the troops against him in defense of my OWNSS.
I, did however, began to feel as though God was unfair. I am embarrassed to even admit it, but I was angry at God for revealing this truth to my husband. I had never questioned God’s goodness or that God was near to my heart before in my life. I was surrounded by darkness and loneliness as the two constants in my life, my husband and my God, both just rocked my world. I had never experienced this sense of abandonment from God before. Not only did I think my relationship with my husband was shattering, but so was my faith in God.
It was during this time that I was truly tested in what I believed in God’s Word. I had to wrestle through realizing GOD IS NOT FAIR... BUT HE IS STILL GOOD. He has not called men and women to be equal. That was not His design. We have different roles- both perfect and beautiful in design- but not equal. Who am I to question the way the Creator designed His creation?
Even though my husband graciously and lovingly shared with me scriptures that stated what God’s Word said about marriage, polygyny, and gender roles; my heart was getting harder. I didn’t know who he was. I didn’t know who God was. I didn’t know who I was. I always thought I was a sweet, submissive wife... until plural.
I knew he wasn’t going to leave me. I knew I wouldn’t leave him... but, rebelliously, I felt like I still held this little golden ticket called our wedding vows. He promised me until death do us part and to forsake all others.
So, now what?
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