It took a long time and a lot of hard conversations to process all that had come up in my heart due to discovering plural marriage. I was finally starting to believe that my husband did actually love me, he did still want me, and he did still need me, despite the fact that he wanted another wife.
I had met and become friends with a young, single mom. Her husband had passed away and she was left alone to raise her children. Deep in my heart, I began to see how plural marriage would be a blessing to a woman in a situation like hers. I began to long for her to feel love again; for her to find a man as kind as my husband. I hoped that she would find someone that would step in to love and be a father to her children. For a moment, I put myself in her position and wondered what I would do without my husband and what my children would do without their father. My heart broke- for her. For the first time, in my plural journey, I thought of someone else’s needs and saw the potential blessings of plural marriage; instead of focusing, only, on the things I believed I was losing.
One day, something clicked. It felt like a lightbulb turned on in my heart. Something changed. I have a very distinct memory of that day- I can vividly picture standing in the kitchen, as if I were watching a movie.
My husband and I had a conversation to which he was able to express his heart in a way that finally made sense to me. His desire to live in plural marriage wasn’t to get away from me, yet it was to expand his heart to another that needed his love, as well. Up until this point, I believed that my husband wanted to spend less time with me, and it was through plural he could accomplish this. A way for him to escape being round me. I knew he wouldn’t leave me, because biblically he didn’t have a valid reason to, but I believed the lies of feeling inadequate and that I was not worth his time. I thought that, by him desiring plural marriage, it was a way to satisfy his need to get away from me while still keeping me in the background. However, that was not his heart, at all. I hadn’t considered that he actually still liked being around me, too! In that moment, I was able wrap my mind around it, and I realized how far off my thinking truly was. I shared with him my new realization- like it was something new- he laughed and expressed how he had said the same thing many times over, but my heart didn’t hear it. {In hindsight, I am blown away by the kindness and understanding my husband has given me over and over. God knew exactly the man I needed in my life to challenge me, love me, and grow me to a better person.}
Over the years, I have had to come to terms with how completely different men and women think; how different we were created. A man has a natural desire to love, provide and protect his wife... and any other women God brings into his life. We live in an overwhelmingly feminist culture, where women are taught to not need a man, and not depend on a man. If a man falls in love with another woman, we are told to leave him, and he doesn’t love us. But that is not the truth! Men and women are made different. A man has a need to protect women, and a woman needs to be protected by a man. Scripture is clear, we need a man to provide a covering over us- physically, emotionally and spiritually. Without a solid, good man leading us, we end up with chaos. Our emotions lead us all over the place.
Plural marriage gives a good man, an already married man, the opportunity to care for more women than just the one wife our culture promotes. It allows for different personalities to shine, while balancing the different strengths and weaknesses women have. Women could choose from more quality men from the start. Or if she is in a situation where her good man is no longer earth side- she has more options to choose from in finding another man to care for her. Plural marriage allows for more women to have protection, families end up becoming stronger, kids have more loving influences in their lives and wives would have a sense of community.
On the logical side, I understood this. But I had begun to form caveats in who I believed was deserving of the beauty of protection within plural marriage to my husband. Obviously, God had more work to do in me.
Though this woman came into my life only for a short time, I, without a shadow of a doubt, know that God allowed this interaction to happen at the exact time I needed it. I was able to gain a deeper understanding into the heart of my husband. I am so thankful for God's continued guidance in this journey. As messy and ugly it is at times- it is exceptionally beautiful, as well.
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