On a beautiful fall afternoon, I stood joyfully, hand-in-hand, with the man I had prayed so long for. I gave him my life. I gave him all of me without hesitation or reserve. From the moment we met, my heart was at peace, and I felt as if I finally found my home.
Throughout our marriage, I never had questioned if he had my best interest in mind. I knew that he would protect me no matter what came. He would challenge me in areas I needed to grow. I knew that he loved me - despite the sinner that I am. He is a man of his word and has always stood strong to his convictions.
I came to a place, about seven years into our marriage, that caused me to question everything.
Suddenly, the door opened wide. The sound was deafening, and the pressure just about sucked the air out of my lungs. He held my hand and kindly asked me to follow his lead. We were 14,000 feet above the earth's surface, and he was asking me to jump. Jump with both feet- to a freefall into the pursuit of plural marriage with him. Fear filled my heart. I was terrified of the unknown- scared he would bring us to our destruction.
You see, plural marriage is a freefall for some of us women. When it comes up, it can feel as though we are faced with a life and death situation. We don't see it as an exciting adventure or look at the beauty of the earth below our feet. We only feel fear. We look back to the comfort of the past (the cabin of the plane) and are faced with the choice to follow our husband by jumping into the future of the unknown or stay in the past. For those of us that are afraid of heights, the task at hand can be quite overwhelming and unnerving. We look to our husband for guidance. In his eyes we see the light of hope and excitement since he discovered this new world of freedom; all while we are experiencing the crippling feeling of fear and uncertainty. It is the ultimate trust fall.
I have had to look into my heart and ask some hard questions. How is it that I can trust this man I married enough to lay my life in his hands and promise to be his until death, yet, not trust him enough when it comes to picking another wife in plural marriage? I gave him my life; I believed, without a shadow of a doubt, that he would do anything to protect me from harm... yet, I lose faith in him and think he is going to just fumble and bring in a wife that will destroy everything he holds dear.
Why have I let worry fill my mind? Has he not shown me repeatedly that he is not quick to make rash decisions. Hasn’t he shown me time and time again that he seeks to find a good fit not just a lady of the night. If he were just looking for a side fling, how easily could he have been fulfilled with a frivolous secret relationship without walking the hard path of my emotions as I processed the possibility of plural. Yet, he chose to walk with me, comfort me, talk with me, correct me and guide me. He has loved me even when I was no longer lovable and when I no longer loved myself in the messiness of understanding plural marriage. And more importantly, he continually chooses to do what is correct in the sight of God.
He is a strong man. He is a wise and a kind man. He has always treated me with love and respect, and I know that I can count on him to continue to be the man he has been all along. Sure, he is not perfect and surely, he can make mistakes. But why would I project anything on him that has not been in his character, thus far? Fear steals trust. I choose to not fear and believe he is still the good man I know him to be. Even if he decides he wants to have another wife, that doesn't make him not as good of a man. The prospect of plural marriage has not made him a worse husband - it has made him an even better husband.
As I inch closer to the edge of the doorway, looking down to the unknown, I take a deep breath. I can either embark on this journey with him or remain paralyzed in fear on the floor of the plane and miss out on the blissful experience that comes from taking this leap. It is my choice to go with him or not.
We jump.
I have realized that fear, leading up to this point, has been all for nothing. We freefall together on this journey and God is our parachute. I chose to not let fear guide my life; I chose to fly.