I can tend to be a walking contradiction. I love interaction and talking with people - deep conversations and really getting to know people - however, I am also pretty darn introverted. My extroverted-ness comes out through text and online conversations, but in person it takes me a long time to get comfortable with someone to really open up. I hate the awkwardness of chitchat in person, and I mentally have to prepare myself up for social interactions. I am comfortable with quietness, but I become extremely uncomfortable if I think my quietness makes someone else uncomfortable.
As an introvert, plural marriage terrified me. I found my person years ago; I am comfortable with him and the life we have. However, the whole not knowing the woman my husband may find and the personality she has... is scary. Many of the women we have talked with and the ones he has dated, over the years, would call themselves "extremely extroverted." While there is nothing wrong with extroverted personalities, I think they can be quite entertaining, I have struggled with what that would look like in daily life with me there, too.
If you are an introvert, you can understand the need to spend time in quietness to recharge from normal interactions (even from my own children!) A trip to the grocery store with my children and the normal interactions can leave me feeling tired from the few conversations that were had. A social event takes all my energy to get there, interact and then I am happy to be home for the next several days with little interaction from the outside world.
My husband has always been the exception to my need for space. He and I can spend time together and I always feel recharged. We can have times in quietness together or carry conversations without feeling like I need to have time alone. He has always brought comfort to my life, and I enjoy all the time we have together.
Fast forward to plural marriage. I questioned what this new life would look like with another woman in his life. I questioned how I would ever feel comfortable with having another woman living in his home and having interactions all the time with her. What if she was as opposite as possible to me and on top of that needed to chitchat all the time? How would I learn to communicate with her that I might need to not be around her without her feeling hurt?
I worried that I would never feel like I was at "home" again and that it would forever feel like I had company in the house. I would never be able to just breathe and be able to feel comfortable. I know the hypothetical is always worse than reality, but I also knew there was the possibility of a wife being completely different than I am, as well.
My husband and I have always discussed his desire to live under one roof. He wants to be able to have one family living together. With that, comes the realization that I will need to grow in understanding that there will be different personality types at play. I pray that I learn to be gracious, and I hope that she will be too.
There have been a few ladies that I had grown more comfortable with, but at that time, still had some major aspects of plural marriage I was working through and had not opened my whole heart up to accepting plural or the other women that he was seeing. That left me feeling guarded and in return less accepting of the kind actions that were willingly given toward me. I appreciated the respect for my introverted-ness, but in my own selfishness, I failed to bless back in the ways that was needed for those extroverted hearts. Though relationships didn’t last, I am thankful for the lessons I learned and the things I needed to become aware of in my own heart moving forward.
You see, I’ve never really been a self-conscious person. I have always been pretty content with who I am and didn’t feel a need to change my personality. Then plural came along, and I questioned everything. Maybe my introverted personality was too boring for my husband, and I was lacking some spark he needed. Instead of believing that he could simultaneously appreciate my quietness and another woman’s extroverted-ness, I only saw how I failed. I figured I wasn’t someone he enjoyed being around any longer. I began thinking maybe I needed to change and become someone else. That idea is a trap and is not healthy. It is one thing to change behaviors that are not healthy to better yourself, but to believe you have to change who you are to the core to fulfill what you believe your husband is missing - well, that’s an ever-changing task. It’s an endless cycle and you will never succeed.
However, again, after more deep thought and open conversations with my husband, I was reminded that my husband loves me, for me- the person God made me to be. He can appreciate someone else’s need to be around other people, someone else’s spontaneous-ness, someone else’s bright personality, while also appreciating me. I am still learning to appreciate differences and see them as blessings instead of curses. Some days, and several children later, I am finally able to dream of the blessings she will bring- possibly with a different personality and all- to have someone with the need to be around people all the time... maybe she would love to entertain the children while I clean in quietness. 🙃
Prospective is a funny thing.
Plural marriage continues to amaze me. Things I have learned over the years and the growth that continues to happen in my heart challenges me to my core. I continually look into the eyes of my husband, and I see the deep love he has for me. The way he loves me despite my shortcomings and failures reminds me of the love God has for me. I am a failure. Yet he loves me still. He loves me for who I am but encourages me to work on my heart and grow. A little bit at a time, I understand more and more why plural marriage was brought into my life- to shake me at the core- and it’s beautiful.